Emmett's Nuts
by Amiiix3
Summary: Rosalie takes Emmett's jar of nuts and now he won't stop bothering everyone until he gets it back. Purely Humor with a side serving of Insanity. BeWarned: use of the word 'shut up'.


**A/N**: **This is just some random One-shot I wrote because I was well...bored to death. **

**Enjoy!**_  
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_Bella's POV_

It was Wednesday. Nothing special there.

Edward got me a tray of food. Still normal.

He led me to our usual table. The usual.

We sat across from each other and I nibbled on the edge of a bagel while we waited for the others. Still fairly normal…

When suddenly Emmett was standing in front of us.

"Emmett," Edward hissed under his breath, his eyes spinning around madly in their sockets as he scanned the cafeteria making sure that no one had seen Emmett's lightening speed entrance. "What are you doing?"

But Emmett didn't seem to listen to the disapproving undertone to Edward's musical voice. "Edward…Edward…" he panted, although I was sure that vampires never got out of breath, "It's Rosalie. She's on a wild frenzy. _She stole my nuts!!!_" he whispered, his eyes wide.

I sputtered and choked on the sip of soda I was in the middle of swallowing.

"I'm s-sorry?" I asked.

"Bella! Don't you understand? Rosalie stole my nuts!!!" he screeched, in a strangely high pitched girly voice.

_Edward's POV_

I was quite embarrassed by my brother's strange behavior.

I turned to Bella apologetically, "He collects acorns." I said simply.

Bella had a strange look on her face which I wanted very much to ask her what it meant, when Emmett interrupted me.

"Edward! I need my nuts back!" he said, hopping up and down like a little kid who needed to use the bathroom. Which of course, he didn't, because he was a vampire.

Bella's face was turning quite red by this point, and I wondered if she was alright when she burst out laughing.

**Emmett: Why is it that you portray me as a crazy little kid?**

**Me: Because you are one.**

**Emmett: -smiley face- OHKAY!**

_Emmett's POV_

**Emmett: YAAY MY TURN!**

**Me: Shush.**

I turned to glare at Bella.

"It is most certainly NOT FUNNY! Rosalie took my nuts. This is a _dire_ emergency." I hopped up and down again.

But Bella just continued to laugh. I groaned.

Edward shot me a dagger eye thing whatever ya call em'.

"Bella my sweetheart my sunshine…gooey blah blah…sweet sugar….lovely dovey goobey sugar muffin rainbow shiney…"

I was completely zoned out by now. Staring at the walls dreaming of my lovely collection of acorns.

But I soon realized that Edward and Bella were both quiet and watching at me strangely.

"So tell me Emmett, when was it that you realized your _nuts_ were missing?" she asked, muffling her laughter with her hand.

"It was just before lunch that I had figured out they were missing…" I started, "Rosalie had been laughing at random intervals throughout the day and I was quite confused about it at first.

"But soon enough I opened my backpack before a pop quiz, ready to stroke my jar of lucky nuts, when I realized they were missing.

"To my dismay, Rosalie had decided to skip this class, as she had already figured out from a completely unfair Alice, that we would be having a pop quiz.

"There I sat, completely innocently, with a vicious pop quiz before me, unsure of where I had placed my-"

_Bella's POV_

**Emmett: Hey you can't do that! I wasn't even finished telling my story!**

**Me: Yes I can. I'm the authoress! –is smug-**

**Emmett: -pout-**

**Bella: She's right you know, she is the one writing the story…**

**Emmett: -growls- I know that!!!! **

**Edward: Don't growl at my Bella!**

**Alice: Hi guys! –perky perky perky-**

**Me: Hush up! Back to the story –fake smile-**

Emmett was in the middle of telling us about his nut saga, when we were interrupted by the arrival of Alice.

"Hullo Alice!" I said pleasantly, glad that Emmett had been interrupted. This was much too strange for me.

"Hello Bella!" she flashed me a smile and then turned to Emmett, "Jazz is looking for your…_nuts_." She made a face. "Although why you want them…"

"I've already explained it!" Emmett said angrily, "They are a collection I've been making since a very long time. Each nut has a history. I'll show you sometime." He added cheerfully, a childish smile lighting up his features.

We all stared at him for a moment.

"So, Alice, why can't you just see if you can find the nuts…?" I asked confusedly.

But it was Emmett who snapped back a response, "THE NUTS do not like to be _seen_. Especially not by NON BELIEVERS like Alice." He said, quite smugly actually. "The nuts confide in Emmett…"

**Emmett: It's true you know…they love me.**

**EVERYONE: -blink blink-**

**Emmett: -Manic laughter-**

_Alice's POV_

**Me: DON'T argue. –happy smiles-**

I turned away from the straaaange Emmett to hide my laughter. _Whatever you say Dr.Psycho…_

"Well, Jazz won't be happy if we sit around here chatting idly while he searches." I turned to Edward and Bella, "Care to help?"

"Uhhh…." They started, looking at each other with wide eyes.

I was, of course, aware that they would like nothing better than to sit around and watch us look for Emmett's stupid jar of nuts, but why go through torture if you can't put everyone else through it too?

_Bella's POV_

**Emmett: Bella just weeeeennnttt –pout-**

**Edward: Yea well I haven't had much chances yet either, have I?**

**Me: No, now shut up. –smiley face- Back to the story!**

"Wonderful!" Alice said and proceeded to grab my arm and dance away with me in her firm little hold.

I shot Edward a desperate look, but he could do little due to his own little 'Emmett Dilemma'.

**Emmett: 'Emmett Dilemma' I like the sound of that –wicked smile-**

Alice reached the girl's lavatory (which is merely a fancy word for 'bathroom') in record time.

She pushed the door open and shoved me inside, quickly shutting and locking it behind her.

I shot her a confused…and somewhat frightened look.

"Just in case." She smiled and turned to face the sinks.

There was Rosalie herself, admiring her beauty in the scratched mirrors in random places along the walls.

She sighed and patted her hair down before turning to us.

"You come ta me 'ere on the day a' a dehvahstayting time for my husband…" she started in a bad impersonation of 'The Godfather.'

We blinked at her.

"Why are you stalking me in a bathroom and deadbolting the door?" Rosalie said, annoyed.

"Emmett is on a wild frenzy looking for his nuts." Alice sighed.

Snickers filled the bathroom.

When we had all composed ourselves, Rosalie spoke. "Yes…I hid them…"

"Why?" I asked. Who would want to torture someone they loved…I laughed to myself. Oh. I would. Hehe.

"Because…It's funny." Rosalie said as if it were terribly obvious. Which it was.

More snickers…

_Edward's POV_

**Edward: Finally!**

We stood in the empty hallway.

"Emmett, what are we doing here?" I asked, sighing annoyedly.

"We're looking for Jasper!" he said and proceeded to stomp down the hallway to the other end where we saw a dark figure hovering.

"JASPER!" Emmett yelled and attacked the figure to the ground.

"Err…" I started but let it go.

"Emmett…what the hell?" Jasper said, shoving the big lump off his chest and sitting up.

"Jasper have you found my nuts?" Emmett asked, bouncing up and down in … anxiety. Or maybe he was just hyper.

**Emmett: I think it's the latter. I do like soda. **

**Edward: Emmett, you don't _drink_ soda.**

**Emmett: Back to the story –nervous laughter-**

"No, I have not found your nuts. But I did find out that Alice, Rosalie, and Bella have locked themselves in the girl's bathroom." Jasper said angrily.

I fretted. What kind of torture were they subjecting Bella to? I wondered.

_Bella's POV_

"…And then when he asked what we were all laughing about Jasper told him to look down and he was wearing Rosalie's red lacy lingerie set…" Alice laughed, holding her sides.

I had tears of mirth streaming down my cheeks, giggling madly. Even Rosalie was laughing, although she held still, careful to keep her hair smooth.

"So Alice," I asked, when we had all calmed down a bit, "When do you think they'll figure out that we have Emmett's nuts?"

At that precise moment there was a knock on the door.

_Uh. Oh._

"Be there in a minute!" Alice said nervously. She turned back to us, her eyes wide.

What. Are. We. Going. To. Do? She mouthed.

I shook my head, as did Rosalie.

"I know!" I whispered triumphantly. I held my hands out to Rosalie, who gave me the jar of nuts.

They hovered over my shoulder as I proceeded to walk boldly into a stall and open the lid of the jar.

I heard a muffled thud outside the door…

_Edward's POV_

"What are they doing in there?!" Emmett hissed at me as we banged on the door once again.

"I don't know…" I said slowly, still worried about Bella.

"Read their goddamn minds!" he yelled and knocked more hastily on the door.

_What is Bella- Block my mind? Why ever- ooooh! _Rosalie was thinking _I wonder what Emmett would look like if I put him in my blue negligee…_

My eye twitched convulsively.

I was almost afraid to look into Alice's mind. But Emmett was driving me absolutely bonkers out here.

_Oh Jazzy! You're such a good kisssssseeerrrr! _

-twitch- twitch- twitch-

**Edward: Why put me through so much torture. I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!**

**Me: Oh I do…-batting of eyelashes- C'mere suga!**

**Bella: -hits over head with giant blow up hammer- NEVER!!!**

_Alice's POV_

Bella walked forward to the stall, the jar of acorns held in her hands.

She opened the lid, and pushed through the stall door, staring intently into the toilet basin.

"Bella are you-" I started, but was cut off by Rosalie.

"Shhhh…" she hissed, "They'll hear you…"

I nodded soundlessly and proceeded to watch as Bella dumped the large jar of acorns into the toilet bowl.

And flushed it…

We stared for a minute as the icky nuts swirled around for a minute, but then suddenly there was a rumbling.

We all looked at eachother, our eyes wide with worry and fear.

The floor began to shake…

"What's going on in there?!" was the muffled cry of Edward through the thick wooden door.

"RUN! SHE'S ABOUT TER BLOWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!" Bella yelled, already stumbling out of the stall, holding onto things in her clumsy state.

But Rosalie merely stared into the chunky acorn filled depths of the toilet.

"Err, Rose, I think Bella is right, we may have to leave now before ya know…the bathroom explodes." But Rosalie merely continued to stare.

I tugged on her arm, but she pulled it from my grip, reaching into her purse.

She proceeded to pull out a….

RUBBER CHICKEN!

"Rosalie are you…are you okay?" I asked hesitantly, fearing for my sister's sanity.

Rosalie nodded and stuffed the Rubber Chicken in the flushy hole thing.

She got back up and dusted off her hands. "Good to go…" she said, looking smug.

Bella was standing outside the stall with wide eyes.

The floor stopped shaking and the rumbling ended.

But when we were about to relax, a huge fountain of water spurted out from the inside of the toilet.

The rubber chicken flew up into the air and landed in front of our feet with a thud.

Rosalie, Bella, and I looked at eachother for a moment.

Before we ran from the stall, flailing our arms, just as the floor began to shake again and all the taps in the sink popped off, spraying jets of water into the air.

**Rosalie: Yea, ya know, I get the feeling you don't like me much. I haven't had a point of view at all…**

**Me: -cricket chirp cricket chirp- -coughs-**

_Rosalie's POV_**  
**

I reached the door first, needing to get out of there before the water ruined my perfect hair.

I tugged on the dead bolt lock and it pulled out of place effortlessly.

As soon as the door was loose, it flew open, and 3 handsome vampire boys fell at my feet.

**Rosalie: -hugs- I ALWAYS KNEW YOU LOVED ME!**

I stared at them. Suddenly the floor rumbled again, and I was quick to step over…and partially on…them as I found my way out of the dangerously close to exploding bathroom.

The boys jumped up and Alice and Bella sped out of the bathroom after me, Alice closing the door behind us.

"What happened?" Jasper asked us as we rushed down the hallway toward the parking lot, quick to get out of the school before the bathroom exploded.

Edward was carrying Bella along at our light speed, he was listening intently though. I wondered what he would say if I blamed it on Bella. It was, of course, her fault. She'd clogged the toilet!

_Jasper's POV_

"What happened?" I asked as we followed a frantic Rosalie and Alice out of the school. I wondered what kind of havoc they had caused in the bathroom.

Rosalie bit her lip anxiously. Who was she going to blame this one on?

I sent a brief wave of calm through all of them.  
"What happened?" I repeated.

We were at the car now. The Volvo and the BMW stood glistening dully in the cloudy weather.

Alice paused, about to jump into the convertible…

**WE INTERRUPT THIS LIVE FLASHBACK TO BRING YOU THE MUSICAL STYLINGS OF…EMMETT!**

**Emmett: -singing- Joy to the World…some guy is dead. He went and hit his head! I think this is how the sooong goes, but hey I don't know cause I ummm my toes are uhh freezin'… and stop spying on me in da showa! Cause I'm no one ta mess wiv foo! You be messin wiv da wrong ho dawg missy yo. Fried bacon. Fish. Marinade. Karate choppin' pork chop. Chihuahua's are yappy!!! **

A WHILE LATER CAUSE EMMETT'S MUSICAL STYLINGS TOOK UP A WHOLE BUNCHA TIME…

_AT THE CULLEN HOUSE…(in no particular POV)_

"…and then Bella dumped all of Emmett's nuts into the toilet and flushed them…" Alice said.

Emmett let out a low growl.

Edward moved so he was standing in front of Bella.

Bella blushed crimson.

Assorted giggles issued from the rest of the Cullen's. (Which included Esme and Carlisle because they umm like stories?)

"…and the toilet started rumbling so we were about to make a run for it when Rosalie took out her…ummm…Rubber Chicken…" Alice paused while everyone turned to stare curiously at Rosalie.

She stopped combing her hair and looked up at them, her eyes gleaming at the extra attention…or maybe she was just a tad bit slow, "I knew it looked shinier. I told you my hair was shinier didn't I Emmett? And you said no one would notice." She smiled brightly.

"Uh, no Rose, honey, we were just wondering why you were carrying a um, rubber chicken…?" Emmett scooted his chair away from his wife a bit.

"Oh. It comes in handy sometimes…As you can see." She said condescendingly returning to the combing of her hair.

"…yes well Rosalie plugged up the toilet with it and then everything stopped shaking but then all of a sudden the toilet exploded and we all ran out of there. The end…" Alice finished.

There was a small squeak in the corner, and everyone turned to look at Emmett who was hunched over gripping a small white handkerchief.

"Err, Emmett, you don't cry…" Edward said slowly.

Bella slapped him, "Stop being so insensitive." She hissed, "What's wrong Emmett?" she continued in a much softer tone.

Emmett let out a little sniffle and shook his head slowly.

"All my acorns. They're all gone!!!" he wailed and proceeded to rock back and forth while clutching his hanky to his heart.

"Actually, I saved one for you…" Bella said slowly, reaching into her pocket.

She held it out for him.

Emmett looked up, his eyes shining brightly. "Gee, thanks Bella!" he said cheerfully, taking the acorn and then proceeding to attack Bella with a bear hug.

"Innytwfffyme." Came the muffled response of Bella.

Emmett had apparently forgotten that the reason he now had only one nut left was due partially to Bella.

"Remember how I said I would tell you the story of THE NUTS?" Emmett said happily.

Although the Cullen family was not particularly interested in listening to 'The Story of The Nuts', they sat patiently, all of them thinking that he had suffered enough loss for the day.

Emmett held up the greenish-brown acorn, narrowing his eyes and scrutinizing the nut.

"Yes, yes, this is one of the most important." He said slowly, his face breaking out into a huge grin.

Everyone simply stared at him confusedly.

"Yes, this is the first nut I got…You see…

"I first began collecting nuts when I was _changed_…And this is the one that I collected immediately after my change. Yes, simply marvelous how these things happen…" Emmett said in a really weird smart voice which shocked some people on the other side of the world who have never heard Emmett use his smart voice.

But we've got more experience with-

MORE INTERRUPTION OF THE LIVE FLASHBACK TYPE THING THAT YOU'RE READING AT THE PRESENT MOMENT TO GIVE YOU THIS UMM…THING:

**Edward: -oh lookie, he's singing too- I'm an EMO! And I like SCREAMO! And If I could I would eat CHILI! But I can't cause I'm a VAMPIRE! And now I will proceed to put EMPHASIS on some random WORDS in this SONG! Cause-**

_**-ENDING OF THE TORTOROUS SINGING OF EDWARD…**_

-the smart Emmett. So it doesn't surprise us much.

And this is bout' where the story ends. Until next time my dear…friend.

**Me: -giggles- I made a rhyme! **

AND NOW THE MUSICAL STYLINGS OF…JASPER! (Because we love to hear our favorite men sing)…

**Jasper: -singing- Sugar pie honey bunch, you know that I love you, I can't help myself, I love you and nobody else…(cheezy background music)…**

**Random Objective Source: SHUT UP! -throws shoe-**

**A very offended Jasper: -sniffles- You hurt my eself esteem! -runs away dry sobbing like a baby muffin with no tail...**

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**A/N: YAAY! What a happy ending -blows nose in handkerchief- NICE REVIEWS WOULD BE HAPPYMAKING MY SWEETS... and Merry Holidays to all. -giggles-  
**


End file.
